You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
