I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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