Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She's the barista slut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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