Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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