I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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