allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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