Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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