Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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