Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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