He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
