sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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