My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
