I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
