This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
he shaved USA in his pubs
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
