Swine flu. Run for my life!
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
