new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
