we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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