at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
