There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
