I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
