omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
