i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
