Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
