matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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