no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize