I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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