I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
