i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
