Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
