My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
found the other keg... it's in the tree
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
