I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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