a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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