god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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