my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
