I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
