giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
