I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
