all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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