He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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