just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
