Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
