omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
