Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
