imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
