I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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