My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Vodka?
Forever.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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