ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
