Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
