; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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