pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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