genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
