in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
