**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
im holly from the hills drunk
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
