i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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