based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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