Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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