I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
