You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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