This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
