I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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