he looks like a really good dad on facebook
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
