guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
