I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
